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You know your a herper if...
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by HerpHunter63 on May 18, 2010
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Just found this on the internet, funny and true; enjoy!
Andrew
You know your a herper if....
Every time you walk past your bearded dragon cage, they open their
mouths looking for food.
You don't mind the occasional fly in your soup.
You sleep on your couch, but you have a nice rainforest set-up in
your bedroom.
You have more dead mice than ice-cubes in your freezer.
Your friends yell "there's a mouse on your counter!!!". You say, oh,
he's not quite thawed out yet.
our idea of a good investment is a trio of Bearded Dragons.
You have 3 freezers (only one of which you use for food).
Your tortoises eat better than you do.
Your idea of a day trip, is going to a herp show.
Friends come to your house, and you invite them in. They decline and
give the excuse that they would rather talk
outside, because it is lovely weather (when it is 10 degrees F, and
sleeting).
You yell at people who start to drink your bottled spring
water. "Don't drink that, it is for the frogs!!"
Your mother has never been to your house.
You call a pregnant woman gravid.
The pictures of "loved ones" in you wallet are your first Bearded
Dragon, a Tegu, and a Redfoot tort.
People that know or have heard of you automatically say ewwww, when
they see you.
You are automatically kicked out of a small rodent club, even though
you want to know how to breed them
You know the nutritional content of most bugs by heart.
You put your kids in a in the 6x5x4 cage, and give the iguana their
room.
You yell at people when they squish bugs, saying that they are a
valuable resource to some people.
You go to a herp show and when you come back, you have to explain to
your spouse why there are $2500 worth or charges on the next credit
card bill.
Whether or not a garage sale has possible herp enclosures determines
if you stop or not.
You iguana has seen more sun than you have.
Everytime you go to a zoo, somehow, you are accidentally locked in
the herp exhibits.
You have been bitten more times by snakes, than you have had
birthdays.
You are herp hunting along a road, and a funeral procession passes.
You take off your cap, and bow your head.
Your friend says, "geez, I have never seen you this solemn." And you
say, "Well, I have been married to her for 40 years, that's the
least I could do."
You laugh when you hear yet another person has named their green
iguana "Iggy".
Someone flips you off, and you bob your head in retaliation.
You consider getting out the scissors and giving yourself one of
those cool forked tounges.
You see an ad in the paper for a 26 in monitor, and think to
yourself "Well, that isn't that big of a lizard".
You get a tear in you eye when you see an egg eating snake eat a
huge chicken egg and say, "Beautiful, that was just beautiful".
You don't mind mice invading your home.
When trying to intimidate someone, you puff out your throat and
hiss.
There is no such thing as a pillowcase in your house.
When you see a cricket, you lick your lips.
You get a tan by laying on a boulder and you bob your head if
someone gets too close.
You have more dead mice than ice cubes in your freezer.
You act like a little kid in a candy shop when you walk into the
herp show.
You have an in-curable form of the empty cage syndrome.
Your local power plant knows the exact moment your timers go off!
You've bred rabbits for 15 years, yet have no idea what their
average life span is.
You hear someone describing their new high-resolution 20" monitor
and wonder if it's Australian or Indonesian.
The neighborhood animals start disappearing as your Green 'Conda
passes the 200-lb mark.
You answer the door holding a big fat snake & wonder why the
Jehovah's Witnesses won't talk with you.
Your snakes spend more time in your bathtub than you do!
You check the "free to good home" ads daily, yet have no desire to
own a mammal.
Your house was raided by the police after a tipoff from the electric
company suspecting you of growing pot.
You and a friend are overheard talking about your babies & someone
asks about them, and you reply "yeah, my 'baby' is 15' long & weighs
around 125 pounds!!!"
You have a special drawer to keep perfect sheds in.
Your friends ask you when the last time you scored was & you
reply "Man, it was great! This guy sold me an 8' female Colombian &
the 125 L for dirt just in time for breeding season," and they look
at you like "WHAT THE HELL are you talking about?!?!"
Your fellow herper asks you to lend him some rats... and the next
day you come home & find two dead, decomposing rats on your doorstep
with a little note saying "Thanks, I didn't need these after all!"
Your freezer is full but the kids whine that there's nothing to eat!
You're the customer at the pet store but answer all the herp
questions.
You ask to borrow your friend's pet tree frog to rub a mouse on for
that picky feeder.
You purchase contacts that look like snake eyes so you fit in with
your little world at home.
You keep deceased herps for sentimental value even after you've
cleaned out the freezer time & again.
Your mom knows about you & your excursions out into the woods and
into the local pet store, and now frisks you down as soon as you
enter the house!
You tell your girlfriend/mother "that IS the same snake...it just
changes colors and body shape. Yeah, it really is growing fast - I
changed its name from "Mr. Cal King" to "Annie Anaconda."
You quit smoking not to better your health, but out of concern for
the effect of second hand smoke on your herps.
Your bedroom smells worse than your bathroom.
You suffer the "Oh yeah? Look at this baby!! I got this scar when I
tried to take the RABBIT AWAY from my Burm!" "Yeah? That ain't
nothing - my water monitor railed me when I cut his nails. Check
this out...4 stitches!"
You feel guilty picking your "pet" rabbits in front of a group of
bunny-adoring children.
You bypass your girlfriend's Victoria's Secret catalog to get to
your latest Reptiles Magazine.
The employees at the local pet store give you dirty looks every time
they see you heading for the small animal section.
You have a bedroom but no bed!
You've learned that defrosting rodents in the microwave DOES'NT
WORK!!
Your snakes are having a better sex life than you & you're happy
about it!
You tell the salesperson at the pet store you won't be needing the
seven-day health guarantee on the mouse you just bought.
Your best friend's cat died & you wonder if you can have the body.
You name your rodents things like "Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner."
You tell yourself you don't look stupid while people are watching
you flip rotted boards hunting for snakes on the side of the road.
People come to your house and ask "What is that smell?" and you
reply "What smell?"
You drive around on recycling day looking for the biggest piles of
newspaper
Your girlfriend gets mad because you spend way too much time in the
Rubbermaid container section dreaming of ways to use them, yet give
her a 2-minute limit when she's buying clothes!
You can go into someone's house and pinpoint the exact location of a
decaying rodent.
You find a dead mouse that your friend planted in the bottom of a
mayonnaise jar & laugh while eating your tuna fish sandwich. Yeah,
good one...munch munch.
You can speak Latin well but have never taken a formal Latin course.
You buy car loads of bark mulch but could care less about
landscaping.
You want world peace, to save the environment, a cure for AIDS and a
better way to kill mites.
Your neighbors watch your house closely during hatching season when
they see people entering empty handed & leaving with small boxes,
and then report you to the police as a drug dealer!!!
People ask you to pack the truck when they move because YOU have the
uncanny ability to fit more fish tanks and sweater boxes into the
smallest space available.
You can get to the center of the newspaper on the first try.
There is always enough room on your credit card to buy another herp,
but you ignore your bills.
You are foolish enough to do this as a business & actually thought
you might make a living at it.
People spend big bucks to get rid of rats & mice and you spend
bigger bucks breeding them.
There is always space to set up yet another cage for your next herp.
You stop in a pet store just to look at the reptiles and end up
buying a fake plant for a buck so you don't look stupid.
You drive an hour to a zoo just to visit the herps & buy a reptile
shirt to wear tomorrow.
Your freezer contains more dead mice than ice cream.
You buy 100-watt bulbs by the case.
You keep your apartment at a constant 85F, with lights pointed at
the couch to make a 95F basking spot.
Upon seeing the Vanity Fair issue with the picture of Cindy Crawford
naked, with a boa around her, the first reaction of my herper
friends was "Nice looking snake, distinct markings...must be Boa
constrictor constrictor...looks like a Surinam."
You see someone walking their Chihuahua or Yorkshire and
think "hmm...snake food."
Your friends need to pull at least three guinea pigs out of the
fridge when trying to find the salami.
You go through the store checkout with 18 different fruits and
veggies, none of which you plan to eat.
You get regular shipments of thousands of live crickets & your
postman just rings the doorbell, drops the box and runs.
Everyone you know says "Why on earth do you want to go to DAYTONA,
FLORIDA in AUGUST every year??"
Your husband tiptoes in to check on the baby Northern blue tongues
every night just to "see how cute they are sleeping."
You get a sunburn and worry that your shed isn't coming off in one
piece.
You've sold your soul to the produce manager in exchange for
dandelion greens.
You've said "Are aquariums all right?" to a prospective landlord and
don't own a single fish.
You evaluate potential apartments/townhomes by the location of the
electrical sockets, & how easily the second bedroom can accommodate
all of your turtle tanks.
You have 27 bowls marked "dog" or "kitty" and no dogs or cats.
You ask the local drug store for a No-Pest "fly" Strip in January.
You've ever microwaved a Cup O'Noodle & defrosted a mouse at the
same time.
You got in trouble with your girlfriend for looking at the "free
kitten" ads with a gleam in your eye.
You have a well-stocked medicine cabinet and none of it is for you.
The Delta Cargo people recognize you on sight.
You've ever told your apartment manager that you'll be able to pay
rent after the eggs hatch .
Your wrists are so criss-crossed with scratches that people think
you're just really bad at trying to kill yourself.
You tell people on the phone "I can't talk now, I've got a lizard on
my head!!!"
You're lulled into a deep sleep by the melodic chirp of crickets
even though you live in a high rise.
Redecorating the house means finding a way to squeeze in yet another
aquarium.
You don't take vitamins but all your herps do.
You lie awake at night trying to figure out why your crickets aren't
reproducing.
Someone at the emergency vet leans over and asks you if your animal
is real.
You know the calcium-to-phosphorous ratios of common vegetables
without looking them up.
You consider collard greens, dandelion greens, parsnips, mustard
greens and escarole to be "common vegetables."
You keep insisting to your spouse that the trio of Brazilian rainbow
boas you just brought home only cost 45 dollars!!
You think finding bugs in your new house is a good thing.
You have a bag full of pinkies in the freezer next to your chicken
breasts.
You have to explain to the lawn care company that you like
dandelions and insects in your yard.
You've ever had to lecture a pet store employee/manager.
You've ever carried along a pillow case when mountain biking.
You've ever had to clean mouse guts off of ANYTHING.
You tell your snake she's "sexy" more often than you tell your
girlfriend.
The person behind you at the checkout asks how you prepare the
collard greens you're holding and you say that you haven't got the
slightest idea...or you tell them, "Rinse thoroughly, chop into
pieces no larger than the size of a dime, and dust lightly with
calcium and vitamin supplement."
You find "tongue flicking" an attractive attribute in members of the
opposite sex.
You refer to a pregnant woman as "gravid," and if she had twins you
want to know if the babies came out with a ratio of 1.1, 0.2 or 2.0
& what they're het for, if anything?
You separate your mail into 3 piles: "bills," "junk mail," and "this
month's price lists."
You're standing in the pet store checkout line with your purchase in
hand & the person behind you says "Oh, they're so cute! Do they make
good pets?" and you reply, "These? Hmmm. Actually, I have no idea...
I never thought about that..."
You get out of your car and start directing traffic around a
rattlesnake so the wriggly thing can get away.
Your girlfriend tells you to choose between her & the snakes, and
not only do you tell her you'll miss her, but calculate how many
shoebox racks will fit in her half of the closet.
Someone tells you they have three balls and you don't think it's
weird!
you carry moisture mist and spray yourself 3 times a day.
you don't count your mice when you tell friends what and how many
animals you own.
you make your yearly vacation plans around when litters are ready to
hatch/be born and everyone you know says "why on earth do you want
to go on vacation in august every year??"
a witty woman says to you: is that a snake in your pocket, or are
you just happy to see me, and you reply: happy to see you? ha!
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RE: You know your a herper if...
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by Baran on May 18, 2010
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Mail this to a friend!
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Haha. A lot of those were silly, but it is amazing how many are true... I don't exclude mammals personally, though.
I laughed so loud at:
You've bred rabbits for 15 years, yet have no idea what their average life span is.
that my co-workers had to come see what was so funny! They didn't get it.
Thanks for sharing!
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RE: You know your a herper if...
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by TheFifthDay on May 20, 2010
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Mail this to a friend!
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"You answer the door holding a big fat snake & wonder why the Jehovah's Witnesses won't talk with you!" LOL. I seriously did that last week!
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